Since the CM Punk 'shoot' angle, I've been back watching WWE programming pretty consistently after taking the better part of the time since the Attitude Era off. I've been watching even more consistently (read: every week) ever since my wife and I started watching together and having a great time doing so (proving that, even after 23 years of knowing each other, we can still enjoy new experiences together).
However, regardless of whether I'm an avid watcher from year to year, I always check in to WWE around this time of year just to see what is going to happen at 'Mania. The Road to WrestleMania is a special thing to me, as is WrestleMania itself. My entry into wrestling fandom began in '84/'85, with the 'Mania lead-in of the MTV-televised "The War To Settle The Score" Hogan/Piper match, followed by the first WrestleMania. My 10 year old ass had never seen anything as fun. From then on, I was a fan, and have been ever since (to varying degrees, but it's always there).
So, having said all of that, onto my thoughts on the current WrestleMania card:
12-Man Tag Team Match - Team Johnny vs. Team Teddy:
- Winning GM becomes GM of both RAW and SmackDown -
Think of 12 mid-carders that you normally see every single week on RAW or SmackDown or both...got it?
Now divide them up by face/heel allegiance...got it?
You have just, completely on your own, come up with the teams for this match as they stand so far. There are only two interesting things about this match:
1) The stakes
2) The Miz's potential involvement in the match
The first one is a simple one, in my opinion. GM characters are always more interesting for a show if they are heels. Sure, Teddy Long has been GM of SmackDown for quite a few years now, and it's been fine. But it's always good for business to have the suit running a show making things harder for the babyfaces on the roster, so we get behind them in the face of adversity that much more. So Team Johnny should go over...
...but there is an interesting X-factor here. The Miz's whole storyline has been how he can't get onto the card for 'Mania, and he has been appealing to John Laurinaitis that he should be on Johnny's team. Laurinaitis has been, for all intents and purposes, heeling on Miz and showing no interest in adding him to the team.
The obvious move here to have Miz be part of the match for Team Teddy, going against Laurinaitis and making Johnny's team lose...which will not only give us a babyface GM for both shows, but ALSO make The Miz a face...and NO ONE wants The Miz to be a face, so...
My prediction: Miz will join Team Teddy in the final slot, which will tease a full-time Miz face turn. Miz will betray Team Teddy, costing them the match, and making Johnny full time GM. It will be revealed that the Miz/Laurinaitis heat was a set-up all along, and they are in league with one another.
Randy Orton vs. Kane
So Randy and Kane (sans mask and wig) fought on SmackDown last summer, and Kane shook Randy's hand after the match...and that made Kane very angry in retrospect, so he put the mask back on and became a monster again, and now wants revenge against Randy...revenge for making Kane a monster...which Kane seems to enjoy being, so why he needs revenge is...sigh...um...I've got nothin'.
Holy hell, what a flimsy reason to have a match on the (supposed) biggest card of the year. It makes no sense for any other reason than to get two big names onto the card without having to stick them in the 12-man tag match. Neither guy has any heat right now, and the crowd will, undoubtedly, be indifferent two minutes in. Of all the matches this year, this one is the weakest sauce, even weaker than the Divas match...which is next!
My prediction: Randy Orton. He's still a part of the future of WWE, whereas Kane is very near the end of being totally active on the schedule, so let Orton get the win, so he can at least possibly come out strong post-'Mania, and into a real program with someone else.
Kelly Kelly and Maria Menounos vs. Beth Phoenix and Eve
Well, they have to put something in-between the two biggest matches (whatever they are deemed to be in the end). Having said that, the 'celebrity' power in this match will yield nothing, the sudden teaming of Beth and Eve (based solely on the fact that they're both heels) is awkward, and....ugh.
My prediction: Kelly and Maria win. Maria is a 'celebrity' at WrestleMania, so she will go over. Also, at some point in the proceedings, Zack Ryder will appear in some capacity, because the Ryder/Eve storyline is still, somehow, not dead and gone as it should be.
-WWE Intercontinental Championship -
Cody Rhodes (Ch.) vs. Big Show
Cody is, IMO, one of WWE's best heels right now. His antagonizing of the Big Show during all of this build-up has been spot-on. Cody pokes the giant and runs, pokes the giant and runs...until this past week on RAW, where he poked the giant, then cuffed him to the ropes and pummeled him mercilessly, seemingly giving Show a (kayfabe) concussion, and THEN ran. However, the bottom line is that Big Show doesn't need the title, and Cody is a great guy to have that belt on, ever giving the mid-card faces someone to chase that is a worthy adversary.
My prediction: Cody Rhodes retains the IC title. Show will control most of the match, stopping only for times that Cody takes advantage of the 'concussion' to gain the upper hand. Cody will be on the verge of defeat, only to steal the win and take off back up the aisle or through the crowd.
- World Heavyweight Championship -
Daniel Bryan (Ch.) vs. Sheamus
Of all the matches on the card that should have importance (since it is, ya know, for one of the two BIG BELTS), WWE have done a pretty lousy job of hyping this one. Right now, there is a lot more attention being paid to Bryan's relationship with A.J., and the weird, dysfunctional, possibly abusive things happening there. Sheamus is having good matches with mid-carders every week and looking quite smooth in the ring lately, but the announcers aren't putting any of it over as a factor to be considered for the match. Sheamus is the after-thought in his own title match, and that's a bit awkward.
I'm, personally, hoping that Daniel Bryan wins here, just so the Bryan/A.J. thing continues on for a while (since it's very reminiscent of Randy Savage and Elizabeth) , and the longer it's stretched out, the bigger the payoff will be when A.J. finally turns on him (and, hopefully, costs him the title). However, WWE is notorious in recent years for their lack of patience with storylines like this.
Having said that, it still has legs, so I'm gonna give WWE something of the benefit of the doubt here.
My prediction: Bryan retains at WrestleMania. Sheamus and Bryan fight again at the next PPV, at which point the Bryan/A.J. storyline explodes, and Sheamus wins the title.
- End Of An Era match - Hell In A Cell -
Triple H vs. The Undertaker - Shawn Michaels: Special Guest Referee -
The build-up has been OK (if a bit long winded) but, good god, do I SOOO not care about this match.
I want to. I really do, but I just can't. I just don't see how, in this day and age, these three guys have ANYTHING new to bring to the table when working with each other.
The question in this match is 'Whose side is Shawn on?", which is kinda sad. Two names this big shouldn't need a third person to generate interest, and yet they do. THAT'S how stale this match-up is.
It's 'Taker's chance to go 20-0, which is what SHOULD happen. 'Taker should win, go 20-0, and then retire. Leave the Streak as the one unbeatable record in the history books. HHH is off of the full time roster, 'Taker is off of the full time roster, and Shawn is retired. NO ONE gains anything coming out of 'Mania from this match.
No matter what the outcome, HHH is still the COO of WWE, and will still be on TV in that capacity going forward, so he gains nothing by winning. It's not like he's gonna use breaking the Streak to gain a title shot or something. On a similar note, any interference that HBK adds to the match will taint the outcome, and make it even less important (if that's possible).
My prediction: Undertaker wins. Shawn kicks both of them in the face, so it balances out and, ultimately, it affects nothing.
- WWE Championship -
CM Punk (Ch.) vs. Chris Jericho
This match was being buried as badly as the Bryan/Sheamus match is...until 2 weeks ago. That's when the wrinkle was added: Jericho started exposing the skeletons in Punk's closet, including his alcoholic father, and drug-addicted sister, in an effort to crack Punk's straight-edge armor and his confidence.
I know a lot of people (my wife included) has questioned the necessity of adding this to the build-up, but I don't question it at all. Doing this accomplished something that has NEVER happened in WWE before: CM Punk is now a vulnerable, sympathetic character. It also made Jericho a cartoon super-villain, of sorts. It made Jericho capable of almost anything, and put Punk in a spot that a lot of people can relate to, since almost everyone knows what it's like to have a secret be exposed in some way.
Looking at it from a nuts-and-bolts standpoint, putting the belt on Jericho makes little sense. From what is rumored out there, Jericho has a Fozzy concert tour to do after WrestleMania, and a lot of the shows fall on Mondays, which means the WWE Champ won't be appearing on RAW if it's Y2J. on top of that, Punk's been on the defensive since Jericho started exposing Punk's secrets, so he needs to strike back, and that will be at 'Mania, in the ring.
My prediction: Punk retains, and Jericho is humiliated to some degree, vanishing for a while to do his tour. Also, to taunt Punk, Jericho will produces booze bottles or something of that nature during the match, which will make me angry, as it's a stupid, obvious thing to do, but it's (sadly) inevitable.
-Once In A Lifetime -
John Cena vs. Dwayne Johnson
NOT The Rock. Dwayne Johnson. It's that simple.
He ISN'T The Rock anymore.
The Rock refers to himself, almost 100% of the time, in the third-person ("The Rock says this...). Dwayne Johnson has, in every promo he has done that isn't a pre-taped segment, referred to himself in the first person ("I know you're all gonna love this one...).
The Rock was always deadly serious, not matter how funny what he was saying was. Dwayne Johnson laughs at his own jokes CONSTANTLY.
The Rock never got flustered on the mic, regardless of what was going on around him. Dwayne Johnson stutters, stammers, and stumbles in every live segment he has, and Cena destroys him in the battle of words every single time.
All in all, it doesn't matter how they have been doing on the mic. Ultimately, they have to face each other in the ring and that, I'm sad to say, will be the end of this feud being interesting. Cena has a limited set of moves, and so does his opponent. Sure, there is, apparently, legit heat between the two of them, but neither one of them is going to cross that line and start shooting on the other in the ring. "Rock" won't want to risk his pretty face, and Cena won't do the wrong thing for his career/the business.
The booking will be adhered to, and the booking will be solely dependent on whether or not the "one time only" tag on this match is a lie. There are rumors out there that "Rock" has already signed for SummerSlam AND next year's WrestleMania and, if that's the case, look for Johnson to go over in his "hometown". If those rumors are false, Cena HAS to win. He HAS to. He'll be in WWE the day after 'Mania, and "Rock" won't.
(For the record, "Rock" should be facing Undertaker, not Cena. It would be much more interesting, and the history is there, especially in light of "Rock"'s promo on this week's RAW, which was about finally securing his place as the best of all time...if he wants to prove he's the best of all time, what would prove that better than stopping the Streak?)
My prediction: Cena wins. It's not only what I think should happen, it's what I want to happen. I NEVER would have guessed that, going into WrestleMania (ANY WrestleMania), I'd be rooting for John Cena to beat The Rock (or, in this case, Dwayne Johnson), but I am. My wife is. Everyone I know is. Thanks for your time, "Rock", but you just aren't the same guy anymore and, quite frankly, I have no interest in seeing this version of you ever again. If you insist on publicly masturbating with your own sense of 'humor', please continue to do it in Disney movies, where schoolyard insults and poo-poo ka-ka jokes are welcome and encouraged.
Well, there it is.
Agree? Disagree? Leave a comment! Write me an email! Send an owl! Whatever!
P.S. If Miz, to secure his WrestleMania moment, instead of being involved in the tag match, intereferes with the "Rock"/Cena match in a reversal of last year's show, I will throw my couch off of my balcony, regardless of who is on it. Wife and kids, be warned.
